Who Told You Life Wasn't Worth The Fight?

We celebrated S's birthday today. We should be joking about how old he's getting over a couple of beers. We should be sitting in the living room, surrounded by food, laughing and telling stories. We should be watching his son blow out his birthday candles for him. We should be with him. But we're not. Instead, we're sending his birthday balloons up to him in heaven. (Click here to read his story.)

I was so sad as the day started. I just miss him so much and it makes me so sad that my children are growing up without having such a wonderful person in their lives. It makes me sad that I've never met his son. It makes me sad that our children should be playing together, but they're not. I cried a couple of times throughout the day and fully expected to be a hormonal wreck for the remainder of the day.

This was the first year that the toddler could really participate and know what was going on to some extent, and his pure, unadulterated joy at buying balloons and watching them being filled with helium was a great jump start to our ritual. His innocence and the pure excitement that shone on his face had me bubbling with laughter.

Then we had to get the balloons into the car without losing them to the wind. I had my oldest get in first and then I started shoving balloons into the backseat. Once they were in my car, I secured the toddler into his seat and told my oldest he could try and push the balloons into the far back if he wanted. (I drive an SUV.) He started fighting them; pushing them, shoving them, punching them to get into the back, and they bounced around in his face and in the toddler's face in protest. The toddler could not stop laughing at the sight and it helped bring the joy we experienced from inside the store to inside the vehicle.

It was soooo windy today. So windy. And so cold. We were actually under a wind advisory. But the funny thing is, every year that we've done this, we've had ridiculous wind. I'm not sure what that means, but I noticed that today and so did my oldest. We got up to the cemetery, to our favorite spot, and got out. The wind was absolutely piercing because we were up on top of one of the tallest, if not the tallest, hills in the city. I cut a balloon free from the bunch and handed them to the oldest, telling him where to stand and when to let go of the balloon so I could take pictures. He's always very cooperative with my photography. :) We kept running back to the car, cutting balloons loose and then fighting the wind to get what we wanted. We were also fighting the toddler to get him to cooperate, which was completely impossible. But it didn't bother either one of us. We had so much fun doing all of this that we found ourselves laughing most of the time. By the time we got into the car to leave, I realized that I hadn't even remembered to put on the CD that I listen to when I'm missing S. I felt my heart swell with warmth and happiness and I smiled; I knew that this is exactly what he would have wanted. He wouldn't want us to be sad. He would want us to be happy and have fun. He would have loved the ridiculous chaos that we brought to his birthday celebration and that made me feel content. He loved my oldest and I know he would have loved my toddler (and my newest baby! But I left him with his aunt for the afternoon). And he just would have loved the fun and laughter we had while celebrating him and his life.

Some of my favorite pictures from the day (and these are only a few! I took a bunch and love them all):

I heard this song for the first time a couple of weeks ago while I was doing dishes and it reminded me of S. It reminded me of him and made me cry. There's a song that I consider to be his and always listen to that on days such as this, but I want to post this song instead.

Here are the lyrics:

You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd

[Chorus]
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking a troubled soul, 
God only knows what went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun

[Chorus]
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking a troubled soul, 
God only knows what went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that
Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

What 2013 Taught Me

This post might be a little late, but I don't care. I've been thinking about making this blog for several weeks, so it's in time in my mind. And that's what matters.

It's a brand new year! Can you believe it?? I'm feeling kind of blase about the whole thing this time around. It feels like it's just another day in another week in another month in another year. Yanno?

Anyhoo. I thought I'd compile a list of things I learned in 2013. I went through a lot in the past year. Some of the things on this list I may not have necessarily learned in 2013, but were lessons that were forcefully reiterated. Let's see where this takes us.

1. You get what you give.

If what you put into the world is negative and cancerous, that's what you're going to get back. I learned that I truly believe in karma. I questioned it previously, but now I know that karma exists. If you're going to be a nasty, negative, destructive person to other people, expect the universe to repay you with the same. Not only will you suffer, but those around you will also suffer. Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

2. True friendships aren't based on how often you see each other.

A friend that loves you for you and completely understands who you are as person will understand why you haven't seen each other for however long. Once you see each other again or even just start talking again, you will pick up where you left off and will feel the same amount of support you felt before. A true friendship is a meeting of the souls and that's something that nothing can break.

3. People are selfish.

Everyone always says that they can always rely on family or their closest friends to be there no matter what. Well, sometimes, that's just not the case. It's ingrained in us to be selfish; if you see that something isn't benefiting you or is causing you harm, you think of yourself first and remove yourself from the situation or do something that makes the situation better for YOU. Keep this in mind as people come and go from your life. Everyone has a breaking point and eventually, they have to take their own well being into consideration before anyone else's. Even the most giving person has this in them. If they don't think of themselves first in some situations, they will slowly deteriorate until there is nothing left. So expect nothing less and you will not be disappointed.

4. Family is forever, but that doesn't mean they don't suck.

This kind of ties in to the last point. People are selfish. Your family is selfish. It's human nature. Your family may be tied to you forever because of a blood relation, but that doesn't make them suck any less. You just need to learn to deal with it or cut them out of your life.

5. You're the only one that can heal yourself.

Nobody else knows what your heart truly holds and nobody else really knows what will make it better for you. You need to come to terms with what's going on in your heart and your mind, understand and deal with those issues and learn to love yourself before you can heal. Nobody can do that work for you. Others may have the ability to apologize for what they have done to wrong you, but the healing begins within. Love yourself and realize that you are worth the healing. You are worth love. You are worth it. Period. There is a reason that you have made it this far. Love yourself.

6. The rearview mirror is only there to warn you about what's to come.

You don't look in the rearview mirror because you miss the view. (Unless it's a really pretty sunset. Because I've done that.) You check your rearview mirror to see what's going on behind you. You check it to try and predict what could have an impact on you. If you see someone speeding up behind you, you get in the slow lane to get out of their way. (Unless you have road rage, which then indicates you should hit your brakes as hard as you can without warning because you're an asshole and want to show the speeder who's boss.) If you're passing someone, you check your rearview mirror to make sure you have passed them enough to safely get in front of them. If you cut in front of them before it's safe, you're going to get into an accident. But you'll be able to predict the accident if you check your rearview mirror. So, when you look in your rearview mirror, don't do it because you miss what you've passed. Do it to predict what will cause you harm in the future. Protect yourself. Protect your future. Don't let the same mistakes happen again.

7. Your hair really is connected to how you feel.

I've had cancer. Twice, actually. I can attest to the fact that women tend to equate hair to how feminine they feel. BUT. I let my hair go since I was pregnant and didn't care. Now my hair is long and annoying. I feel just as unattractive as I did when I had no hair! If you find yourself feeling down and out, go and get your hair done. Get it cut, get it colored, get it highlighted. Whatever! If you want something funky, do it! It's only hair. It will grow back. You can even color over it! Take the risk that you've been thinking of and know that the outcome isn't permanent, so it's ok. Or just put yourself first for once and get your hair cut. You'll thank me for it later, trust me.

8. Dish Networks sucks.

If you live in a region that gets any weather of any kind, don't get Dish. You lose the signal to your tv, which means you can't watch what you want. They don't do anything about it because it's an "act of God." Who knew that Dish was Christian, right?! Had I realized this before my 2 year old freaked out because Yo Gabba Gabba was frozen, I would have stuck with my shitty, overpriced cable provider. I'd rather pay more and have consistent tv than listen to him scream about Foofa being stuck in a compromising position with the Tooth Fairy.

I got nothin else. Did you relate to any of that? I hope so! I hope that some of what I have learned over the past year will help you learn. Or, if you're like me, you'll go through shit over the next year or so and then suddenly think back and remember my blog: "Oh yeah, she SAID this would happen!!" Because I never learn lessons until I've been through the scenarios myself. But that's ok. We're all beautiful and perfect in God's eyes, right?

Pfft. Good luck. And Happy New Year. ;)

Every 40 Seconds, Someone Asks Why

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. This is a very personal subject for me and one that I don't take lightly. If you'd like to ready my story, click here.

We should be trying to prevent suicide every day, but today is the day to bring to light what a huge problem it is. We should all be looking for signs and responding to them. I, personally, saw the signs of depressions, but didn't reach out. I let my friend go. Don't let yourself be one of those people who regrets what they could have done, but didn't. Don't be like me.

If you find yourself wondering why you're here and whether or not you are worthy...you are. You are worthy. Your life is worth something and if you're still on this planet, your story isn't over. It may hurt now, but now is not forever, beloveds. Ending your life only ends the opportunity of things ever getting better. And they will get better. They will.

Now is not forever.

Don't be afraid to reach out. You are someone and somebody loves you. Reach out for the support you need; you may be surprised by the response.

If all else fails, call 1-800-SUICIDE. Please.

I Hope The Angels Know What They Have

My dad came over on Friday to fix something for me and decided to bring a bunch of my stuff with him. (You see, I had to suddenly move to get out of a potentially very dangerous situation, so I only took the essentials at first, and have been slowly accumulating the rest of my things since then.) One of the things he brought were the business signs my friend left behind after his suicide. (You can read that emotional post here, in case you missed it.) They're now sitting in my bedroom and I'm happy to have them home. :) Yesterday, as I sat on the edge of the bed, getting ready to get up, I just looked at them and let the memories wash over me. I remembered finding the design (we used the same design for his business cards) and spending HOURS trying to get it to look right on his cards. I remembered him sitting next to me at the computer and typing in the info he wanted on them. I remembered all the shit my ex gave him for putting "God Bless America" on them. Lol anyways. I wanted to hug the signs and feel close to him again, just for a minute.

I logged into facebook this morning, since I read it like normal people read their morning paper, and this song was in my newsfeed. Not only is her voice beautiful, but the lyrics touched me. Is it a coincidence that these things come together at the same time? The signs, this song? I don't think so. :)

Here are the lyrics:

VERSE 1:
What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful and free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?

PRE HOOK:
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left.
Here on earth, everything is different, there is an emptiness.

HOOK:
I hope you're dancing in the sky,
I hope you're singing with the angels choir,
I hope the angels know what they have.
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived.

VERSE 2:
Tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy and more alive?

PRE HOOK:
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing since you left
Here on earth, everything is different, there is an emptiness.

HOOK:
I hope you're dancing in the sky,
I hope you're singing with the angels choir,
I hope the angels know what they have.
I bet it's nice up in heaven since you arrived.

Is That A Swear Word??

All right...why is the word "vagina" so taboo still?? I mean, we're not in the 1800's, people. As a society, we have evolved. We can openly discuss things like homosexuality, racism, domestic violence, birth control, sexually transmitted diseases and even things such as ::gasp:: pregnancy!! Women are not only allowed to learn about their bodies, they're actually encouraged to do so. So why is it that when someone utters that one word, people go all nunnery and hide their faces?

I recently started watching Boardwalk Empire. If you're not aware of the basics of the show, it's based on the early 1920's era, so it puts the economy and social system of how things were less than a hundred years ago right up into your face. Women were meant to be seen and not heard; they were to be ignorant, stay at home moms with no education and no real idea of what was going on in the very world they lived in. (Well, the show is actually around when all of that began to turn around, with women being given the right to vote and whatnot, so don't crucify me if you watch the show.) They were impregnated and given absolutely no education as to what was going on in their own bodies. I was going to say that it was on a need-to-know basis, but it wasn't even that. They weren't even being told what foods or activities to stay away from, so preventable scenarios that caused miscarriages made the fetal/infant death rate ridiculously high.

With that being said, you know this isn't 1920, right? My computer, as I look at right at this moment, says it's July 22nd, 2013. You read that right. 2013. Aren't all of the things I just mentioned moot factors in our current culture? Is it not common practice for women to become educated, fruitful, contributing members of society? In this age of technology, even tv commercials are chock full of information that wasn't allowed to be discussed previously; I'd go so far as to say that sexually transmitted diseases tops that list. There are million dollar campaigns dedicated to eradicating AIDS. Places like Planned Parenthood even have their own tv slots. Yet, anatomical words are shunned. Not only are they shunned, it seems they're expected to only be spoken in hushed whispers, like they're some disgusting disease.

I have news for you. It's not a disgusting disease. It's a word. An anatomically correct word, I might add.

Now, I understand that some will make the argument that it's a word that's attached to a woman's private area. I'm aware of that. It's an area that shouldn't be shared with the world. But just because it's an area that needs and deserves discretion, as far exposure goes, doesn't mean that it's a word that can't be talked about. Do you even know what goes on down there?? THAT'S WHERE BABIES COME FROM. ::gasp:: Omg what?? I thought babies were carried in the belly and then just magically appeared before you, like some sort of rabbit-in-the-hat trick! Even Jesus came from a vagina. We're getting down to the nitty gritty here, folks, and that's what it all boils down to. These are the facts of life. So why can't we discuss them?

My whole point is that the reaction to just the mere mention of the word "vagina" is antiquated. I think it's high time that we stopped being afraid of the word and started accepting it. Think of it as a relative you're not that close to; it's always been there, it's always gonna be there, so you might as well accept it's existence and embrace it. You don't have to embrace it like I have and use the word in every day life, but for crying out loud, catch up with the world we live in and stop being afraid of it. For the love of vaginas.

In recent news, a royal baby has been born. Out of a vagina. Probably singing "Oh I justttt can't WAIT to be kiiiing!"

Just Keep Swimming

The motto of a 13 year old who fought cancer for 6 years before finally being given her angel wings:

"Just keep swimming."

I honestly don't remember how I stumbled across Talia Castellano, but it was because she was a kid, doing amazing makeup tutorials, with her cute little bald head out. "Makeup is my wig," she said.

Needless to say, I instantly fell in love with her and began following her journey to fame and through the trials childhood cancer. Her attitude amazed and inspired me, as did her positive outlook and constant smile. How do you not love a smile like this??

I have cried a lot of tears today over the world's loss of such a beautiful, old soul. This post isn't meant to be about her, but I really felt the need to share this beautiful face with my followers, since she had such an impact on my life and the lives of everyone who loved her, even those of us who never had the chance to meet her.

You can check out her official facebook page here.

Anyway, I've been in such a funk lately. I don't know why or what brought it on. I don't know how to fix it, either. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed every morning, but not because I'm pregnant. I just don't want to deal with life. With any part of it. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's my chronic depression rearing it's stupid head because I'm unable to take my medication...who knows, really. But the death of someone like Talia can really make you take a look at yourself and reevaluate your life. Why would someone like me be spared and someone like Talia be taken?

"Greatness lies on the edge of destruction. In the face of destruction, you pounded on your chest and put your arms up and said, 'I'm still standing! Bring it!'" -Will Smith

I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2007. I continued to work while I went through treatment, and when I wasn't involved in one of those, I spent a lot of time in bed. I was sick, I was depressed, and I was withdrawing from my family. I drove my mother crazy because I wouldn't let her go to any of my doctor appointments. I did it the second time around, too. When I look back back now, I guess that if I was going to be given a death sentence, I didn't want the burden of my family grieving with me. If I kept them in the dark and only allowed them to know what I told them, I could deal with everything on my own; I could deal with my own emotions without having to deal with the emotions of those who loved me. It was very selfish and I regret it now. But I was on auto-pilot and honestly didn't know I was doing it until it was too late.

I went through treatment, recovered and then was diagnosed with a different kind of cancer in 2009. My outlook was different this time, though. My son's father and I had broken up and I was living on my own. I still shut my family out a lot of the time, but I felt differently emotionally. I felt like I could really do this. There were days where I couldn't get out of bed, but there were also days where I could and would get up and go to work. Or days where I could get out of bed and go to the park, go shopping, spend time with friends.

But, let's be real here: I was a pain in the ass. A giant one. I wasn't a happy, smiling-all-the-time, bubbly, upbeat personality. I smiled and laughed, but it was usually because I was laughing at some sarcastic comment I or my best friend had made. I was selfish and chose to keep the people closest to me in the dark most of the time and refused any help they offered. It was how I coped and I did the best I could, yes, but I was a pain in the ass! So why was someone with such a positive personality, someone so loving and caring, taken away from the people she loved so early when someone such as myself was spared? Twice! It's something I ask myself constantly when I see such good forces die. It's incomprehensible to me.

I've been telling myself that it's because my work here isn't done. Then I laugh and laugh, because there are some people who have crossed me who really wish the opposite was true. Then I feel happy again because I know they're stuck with me and I know it drives them crazy. You see what I mean?? I can be so cynical, yet it makes me happy.

"Only the good die young." This is clearly true. I'll be here forever, guys. Enjoy. ;)

But I digress. I didn't want this post to be about my cancer, either.

What did I want this to be about?? I don't know. I started writing it yesterday and then got sidetracked (aka I didn't feel like opening up), so this feels very disjointed to me. Maybe I'll get my shit together, figure out what I wanted and write a new one.

In the meantime, let me know what you want to see more of on my blog. I'm still trying to get my footing in this whole blogging business, and I'm not sure where I want to go. I still like to let you guys know about freebies and good deals, but I really don't want that to be niche. What do yall think? Lemme know!

How To: Make Your Own Body Wash (W/Pics!!)

All right, remember when I told you that I would have something for that deal on the Old Spice bar soap? I'm FINALLY posting on it! (Click here if you missed that deal.)

Here's what I paid $0.50 for:

You'll need:

A bar of soap (of your choosing)

Grater

Cooking pot

2 cups water

Container to store body wash in

How to do it:

Grate your bar of soap. I only used half of a bar because I only wanted to make enough to fill the leftover body wash container I had. I actually ended up with enough to fill that container, plus half of another one. If your bar of soap is soft enough, you can actually just use a knife and cut it into smaller pieces. Grating can get tedious.

I placed a plastic bag under the pot to catch any mess, because the pot I chose was small. I would have been better off using newspaper, but you live and learn, right?

If you didn't grate your soap into your cooking pot like I did, now is the time to transfer it over.

Add 2 cups of water and heat on the stove. Stir your mixture frequently, until the flakes and pieces of soap have dissolved.

Turn the stove off and allow your body wash to cool for several hours. After about 2 hours, it will develop a skin. Check the consistency at that point. If it's too thick, reheat and add more water. I ended up adding another cup of water because this particular type of soap will turn more into a gel than the traditional wash. But guys really don't care, right? Not when you tell them how much money you're saving. ;) Additionally, if you think it's too watery, reheat and add more soap.

Once you have the consistency that you want, transfer your mixture into the container you want to use. I chose to put mine in a large measuring cup first, simply because it made it easier to put into the body wash container.

I used empty body wash containers from soap that my fiancee had already gone through, but I've seen people use things like condiment containers and mason jars. Put it in whatever's easiest for you.

That's it! You're done! It does take some time and effort, but let's break down the savings and see if it's right for you.

Let's say the average name brand body wash, such as Old Spice for men, is around $4 a bottle. That's pretty accurate. I spent $0.25 on a bar of soap, and made 1 1/2 bottles of body wash, just by using HALF of it. That's about 3 bottles of body wash per bar of soap.

So, what you would normally spend $12 on, I spent $0.25 on. That's a savings of 98%.

Now, let's put it into perspective and say that I bought the bars at their regular price of $0.90 per bar (Walmart price because their regular price is cheaper than Dollar General's, which is where I got this deal). That's still 3 bottles of body wash for $0.90, rather than $12. A savings of approximately 92%!

I'm going to be doing this with different types of soap and also adding different things to make them smell different, be more moisturizing and also have a different consistency, so I'll keep you posted as I do! Let me know how you make out if you decide to try this. If you have any questions, leave me a comment!

Happy saving!!