Why didn't I just leave?
Today, I came across a picture on Facebook of someone I know who attended a White Trash Christmas Party. To go with the theme, she dressed as a pregnant woman with a black eye, a beer and a cigarette. I have a hard time justifying dressing as whatever you think is "white trash," but what really struck me (no pun intended) was the black eye. Was this supposed to be funny? A woman who gets beaten is supposed to be taken as a joke?
I called her out on it in as nice of a way as I could (I've been known to have diarrhea of the mouth), and her only response was, "It was a joke." I blinked at the screen a few times as my mind tried to fully grasp what was happening in front of me. This person that I had known for literally my entire life was perpetuating this stigma that domestic violence is something that is to be taken lightly.
I only commented a couple more times before deleting her from my page; I didn't feel like arguing and I didn't see that I would ever get my point across. I was heartbroken, however. I won't reveal the identity of this person or any details that would give any clues of who she is, but it really just broke my heart. As I wrote my last comment before deleting her, I had tears streaming down my face. Is everyone who has been the victim of domestic violence considered trash? If that's the case, I'm a piece of trash and that's what she thinks of me.
Remember when people dressed up as Ray Rice and his wife for Halloween? They got a lot of flack for it and for good reason. What I was trying to explain was that there was no difference here; the only difference is skin color and is that really even a difference in this situation? Abuse is abuse. Forget the beer and the cigarette; I've seen irresponsible mothers choose those things. To equate those choices to that of someone being abused is just...not ok. They are not the same thing. It's like dressing up as a rape victim; did they choose to be raped? No. Is it funny that you're dressing up as someone who has been sexually assaulted? No.
The whole thing was offensive just from a human standpoint, but it was especially offensive to me because I come from a home with domestic violence. The thing that people don't seem to understand about abusers is that they're master manipulators. They have this way to make you think that they're like gods. Whenever I would threaten to leave my ex, he would tell me that he would destroy my life and destroy the lives of my family. He told me I would never see my son again (our second child together was not born until after I left). He told me that nobody would ever put up with everything that I made him put up with and that I was lucky to have him. He told me that I was the reason he was so angry, and if I would just stop doing things to make him angry, we would have the perfect life. And I believed him. It was easier for me to stay and endure the abuse than to involve my family and never see my son again. If you believed, and I mean truly believed, that someone had the power to put you on the streets and keep your child from you, would you not do whatever it took to keep that from happening?
Most of the abuse was verbal and emotional. I always said that if he ever hit me, I would leave. I secretly wished he would hit me so I would "have a reason" to leave. But that's not true. I would have stayed. And I did stay. He "accidentally" gave me a fat lip. He "accidentally" almost broke my nose. He "accidentally" flicked his cigarette at me. He didn't mean it! He always seemed to misjudge the distance between us at the most inopportune times. I didn't see it then; I always thought it truly was accidental. Now I'm looking back and I'm incredulous; how did I not see it before?? For someone who can flick their cigarette in someone's face with almost 100% accuracy (saw him do that more than once), suddenly this time was an accident? He was like the scummy used car salesman in our relationship; every single time he sold me this crappy, rundown, rusty relationship that only sputtered when you tried to start the engine. "The best relationship ever!" "Runs like new!" "100% money back guarantee!" I always bought his lines. Always. (The irony is that he actually ended up being a used car salesman. Don't ever buy a car from my ex. ;) )
When my ex found me, I was a damaged person. I didn't know who I was and I didn't know my worth. I was the perfect target for manipulation and he saw it and grabbed onto it. That's what happens with domestic violence cases; the women come into these relationships desperate for love and acceptance and the abuser takes complete advantage of their vulnerability. It's not the woman's fault; when you live with someone who consistently drills into your head how worthless you are when you're already thinking the same thing yourself, you're bound to believe it. You're bound to think, "This is the best I can get. Look at what a waste of a human I am."
So does that make the woman trashy? It's easy to look from an outsider's point of view and think that it only happens to poor people who are uneducated. You think of someone in a dirty trailer with a dirty, dirtbag husband or boyfriend. What you're missing is that abuse happens to affluent people, as well. I grew up in an affluent home; I grew up with privilege. I was abused. I was emotionally, physically and sexually abused. I lived through it, I survived it and I've built myself to be a better person in spite of it. And I don't appreciate being labelled as trash because of it.
