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Thursday, October 11, 2018

The Taunton Bay Kratom "Smear Campaign"


*In the interest of full disclosure, I have made purchases from Taunton Bay Soap Company many times in the past.

On September 26, 2018, lab results from the products of a popular kratom vendor were posted in a group on Facebook. The report showed mold and yeast counts that she found concerning.
The poster claimed that she had purchased several products from Taunton Bay Soap Company on August 22, 2018: Hirsuta, Javanica, and kratom. Upon opening the Hirsuta and Javanica, she alleged they had a funny smell, which then prompted to her leave the packages of kratom unopened to be sent out for testing. There were five kratom strains tested, and pictures of all five results were included in the post. Each strain showed high levels of mold, and the lab reports stated the content was “Too Numerous To Count,” or TNTC. Click here to view pictures of the labs and the corresponding product labels. The news quickly spread outside of the group, leaving many consumers confused and concerned.

To corroborate her story, the poster provided pictures of each product label with the associating lot numbers, and also provided a video of herself placing the unopened kratom into a box, and sealing it with packing tape to be mailed out. In any case, all was not as it seemed.

The client name on the lab results were covered, which caused suspicions to arise. After further research, the poster appeared to be working for a botanical competitor, Urban Ice Organics. As further explanation, the poster stated she frequently buys from other kratom vendors for her own personal use, and that any professional relationship she had with the competing vendor played no part in her decision to have the kratom tested. She also claimed that she sent the products off for testing because she saw that Taunton Bay Soap Company and another kratom vendor, Gaia Ethnobotanical, LLC, were teaming up to help a plant-based rehab facility. (Gaia’s owner, Daniel Bower, had been caught forging lab results for his own products and, several months ago, some of his kratom was recalled due to alleged salmonella contamination.) Although she was concerned that perhaps Taunton Bay and Gaia were selling products from the same tainted batches, it was later determined that the companies weren’t actually teaming up, but that they simply both had made large donations to the rehab facility.

Several weeks prior to the Facebook post, the lab results were sent directly to Taunton Bay by the owner of Urban Ice Organics, Kelly Dunn, as Taunton Bay has confirmed. He requested to see their lab results of the same products to check for inconsistencies. Taunton Bay was not able to produce the results, so they allege to have sent new samples of the same product batches to be tested again.

Taunton Bay Soap Company owners, Veronicka Bamford-Connors and Norman Bamford, responded to the claims in a live video on their Facebookpage on September 28, 2018. They reiterated that they test their products regularly, they follow cGMP (Current Good Manufacturing Practice) guidelines, and that they had never received results like this. As an explanation as to why they were unable to produce results from their own lab, the labs Dunn requested to see, that should have been done prior to the products being released for sale, they explained: a former employee of the company was tasked with sending the samples out for testing. That employee then took a vacation without informing anyone in management, and it was later discovered the samples had never been sent. That employee no longer works for them, and they sent out new samples of the product in question on September 11, 2018 after hearing from Dunn. Bamford-Connors and Bamford stated they test every product that comes in before it is listed for sale, this was a one-time clerical error, and they are happy to show any lab results to anyone who asks for them. They also firmly stated they would not send the results to Dunn at all, citing the fact that vendors do not have to prove their lab results to other vendors. I reached out to request copies of the last labs they received, and they did not respond. In fact, as of this writing on October 11, 2018, no new (or old) lab results have been released.

In that same live video, Bamford-Connors and Bamford also questioned the validity of the lab results. Bamford stated the results were illogical because there is no number a computer can’t read; therefore “TNTC” would be impossible. Other contaminants were listed as “<10,” which indicated to them that the scale used by the lab was skewed: their results showed the contaminants were too high simply because the lab set the bar too low. That video has since been deleted: “I took it down the bully’s said we were being bullies and it was making things worse,” Bamford explained on Facebook.

Anresco Laboraties is an ISO/IEC accredited company, and is recognized by the FDA. They are recognized by other botanical vendors, as well. Anresco provided the tests of the kratom strains in questions, but kratom is just one of the products they test. When the original Facebook post was made with the lab results attached, the poster invited everyone to check with the lab to confirm the results were real. Despite the public invitation, due to confidentiality agreements, that was not able to be done. I reached out to Kelly Dunn, and he allowed me to gain access through the lab to ask questions. I spoke with several Anresco employees via email and over the phone.

Currently, the kratom industry is highly unregulated. There are no set standards, legally, vendors need to follow in regards to obtaining their products, how the products are stored, what the products are tested for, etc. This has led to a lot of what consumers are calling “kitchen vendors,” i.e., vendors who work out of their homes, or vendors who otherwise have no health and safety standards they uphold to send their products to retail. As the DEA continues its fight against kratom, the lack of health standards adds to their argument that it is not a safe product for consumption. Be that as it may, since kratom can be safely consumed, it’s reasonable to lean towards a compromise: regulation. Regulation is in the best interest of the consumer to insure the products they’re getting aren’t tainted or otherwise harmful. This is where cGMP comes into play.

According to the FDA, the DS cGMP (Dietary SupplementsCurrent Good Manufacturing Practice) rule requires vendors to take samples from their products to be tested before they go live to sell, and then the product is to remain under quarantine until the test results come back and show the product is safe for consumption. Taunton Bay Soap Company claims to follow cGMP guidelines, however, the products in question were sent to retail even though no test results had come back, by their own admission.

In order to determine what is safe for consumers, Anresco Labs follow the guidelines laid out by the American Herbal Products Association, or AHPA. “AHPA’s mission is to promote the responsible commerce of herbal products to ensure that consumers continue to enjoy informed access to a wide variety of herbal goods.” AHPA standards are very close to being identical to the standards given by WHO, the World Health Organization, which is widely recognized for food safety standards. Click here for a PDF comparison of microbiallimits by company. For Anresco specifically, yeast and mold counts should be 10 to the 5th  (100,000) colony-forming units (cfu)/grams or below. The results state TNTC because the number of mold colonies is higher than 10 to the 5th power. On one of the lab results, yeast is also listed as “TNTC,” which means colonies of yeast were not able to be determined, and the lab informed me that happened because the mold count was so elevated. This doesn’t mean the product is unsafe or harmful to consume; it’s a spectrum that lends itself to the quality of the product, not safe vs unsafe. The actual number of colonies can be determined, but that would take additional testing. With that being said, what we do know is the numbers in question are above 10 to the 5th power cfu/grams (more than 100,000.)

Click here to view a summary of this information on Anresco's website.

**Edited to add: Lab employees explained that the mold is not due storage or age of the product: it accumulated prior to the leaves being dried and crushed.

I verified with the lab that the numbers indicating the standards the lab goes by cannot be arbitrarily changed on client request. The lab is a nonbiased party.

It’s important to remember that there is mold in many, many food and dietary supplement products, and it’s not something that is inherently dangerous to consume. These results don’t show that the products are unsafe, only that contaminants have been detected, and the number of contaminants is higher than what would be nationally recognized as standard. In my humble opinion, kratom will eventually be looked at as a dietary supplement, or at least in the food category because it is consumed, and regulations will be put in place, as it is with other supplements. As consumers, we are given the right to know what’s in the products we are putting into our bodies, and this is just one of those cases.

This may be a two part series as there’s more to the story than what I've included here, so stay tuned. There is definitely more tea (or more to the story) as to the real reason the labs were done to begin with. The labs are real, that is a proven fact. But there’s two sides to every story, and then there’s the truth; if I hear from any parties involved and have updates, I will keep you updated. I look forward to continuing conversations and starting new ones.

To see if kratom is legal in your state, click here.
For my personal kratom story, click here.
For more information on kratom in general, click here and check out the American Kratom Association's website.

TBSC Test Results

These are the lab results, and corresponding product labels. For the full article, click here.












Wednesday, October 3, 2018

How Kratom Helped Save A Family

Many of you are wondering how I got into the kratom world to begin with, and I’d like to share my story with everyone. I intend to do many stories involving kratom and its legality, and I think you need to know where I’m coming from first.

I’m married with three boys, ages 4 to 13. I’m currently a stay at home mompreneur, just trying to help pay the bills and feed the family. My youngest son was born in 2013; my pregnancy and then his birth set off into motion a lot of unexpected symptoms. I struggled very hard with postpartum depression, and my body started showing signs of being unwell. Prior to his birth, I reiterated to my OBGYN incessantly that I needed to be put back on my antidepressant AS SOON AS my son was born, and I was assured I would be. That, however, wasn’t the case.

I had a history of postpartum depression with my oldest son that went misdiagnosed and mistreated for a long time, so I knew exactly what it felt like, and the thought of reliving that nightmare terrified me. The doctor who delivered my son (via C-section) refused to put me back on the antidepressant that they’d taken me off of in the beginning of the pregnancy. When I went to my follow up after being discharged, they still refused to put me back on it. I had to go back and BEG, literally, and finally someone gave me a small dose of it. Small enough that a couple of months later, another doctor in the office said, “That’s a garbage dose, that doesn’t do anything at all,” and then doubled it. I ended up switching back to the doctor I'd had a few years ago, and she’s stuck with me ever since. So, there was that problem.

In addition to the depression, the anxiety began to creep up, as well. I’ve always had some form of social anxiety, but this was so bad that I stopped leaving the house altogether. During the school week, the only times I left the house were to take and then pick up my middle son from school. It was really, really bad. I spent months trapped inside my own head, agonizing over the dumbest things, and I couldn’t get it to stop. I realized the other day that I had stopped really listening to music for at least 6 months; I recognized popular tunes, but was completely unaware of the lyrics. When you’re literally trapped inside your own mind, all you can hear are your own thoughts, your own worries. It’s so isolating.

The things that really sent me over the edge were the physical symptoms. I was in pain every single day. I was getting piercing migraines that lasted for weeks at a time because my neck and shoulders were tense, even when I was sleeping. I began waking up with excruciating pain in both of my hands, wrists, and forearms, so sleeping became nearly impossible. Plus, with all of these symptoms, I was trying to care for an infant and a toddler. There was so much pressure. I ended up being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks, and bipolar disorder.

I began doing research on my symptoms and how to treat them. I just started googling everything I could think of, including natural ways that I could help myself on my own. Once you have just one doctor that refuses to believe you, you start to realize that sometimes the only one who you can rely on is yourself. In all my research, I stumbled across kratom. Of course, I was intrigued! I spent the next 6 months reading everything I could find on the internet about it. I wanted to know everything there was to know that I could understand, and I did it. I’m so glad I did because it’s changed my life forever.

I’ve been taking kratom off and on now since 2014. It tremendously alleviates my pain, and it also helps me feel better overall. I feel confident, and I feel more like myself than I have in many years, even long before I was pregnant with my youngest. It has helped me so much so, in fact, that I began offering it to friends and family. There are plenty of things I’ve done to ruin my own body, but I would never put anyone else’s body at risk like that. That speaks to how effective kratom really is, and how safe it is. My journey in activism is just now beginning, but my story is not.

If you're interested at an in-depth look into kratom, watch Chris Bell's documentary on Netflix, A Leaf Of Faith.


Tell me your kratom story in the comments below, or email me zebraprintmama@gmail.com, and maybe you’ll be featured in an upcoming article!

Kratom Legality: The Ugly Truth

See below map for details:



Green States
  • Alaska
  • Arizona
  • Colorado
  • Connecticut
  • Delaware
  • Georgia
  • Hawaii
  • Idaho
  • Iowa
  • Kansas
  • Kentucky
  • Louisiana
  • Maine
  • Maryland
  • Massachusetts
  • Michigan
  • Minnesota
  • Missouri
  • Montana
  • Nebraska
  • Nevada
  • New Hampshire
  • New Mexico
  • North Carolina
  • North Dakota
  • Oklahoma
  • Pennsylvania
  • South Carolina
  • South Dakota
  • Texas
  • Utah – Bill HB0110 requested kratom be listed as a controlled substance, but it was removed from the bill before the bill passed.
  • Virginia
  • Washington
  • West Virginia – Bill HB2526 requested kratom be listed as a controlled substance, but it was removed before the bill passed.
  • Wyoming
The Yellow States
  • Illinois – Kratom is currently legal to anyone 18 years or older, but two bills were introduced in October 2017 to ban it completely, which are currently pending: HB4106 and SB2051.
  • New Jersey – It has been requested that kratom be criminalized in Bill A3281, and the bill is still pending action.
  • New York – It is currently legal in the state of New York; Bill A00231 is pending, requesting the banning of kratom, as is Bill S06924, limiting kratom to 18 years and older.
  • Ohio - Bill was introduced in 2018 to list kratom as a Schedule I drug. Click here for the AKA's Call to Action in Ohio.
  • Oregon – Kratom is currently legal. The pending bill number is SB518, and is currently pending “study for purpose of determining whether plant mitragyna speciosa and drug derivatives of plant should be scheduled as controlled substances” by Directs State Board of Pharmacy.
Purple States
  • California – Kratom is legal statewide here, except in the city of San Diego. Mitragynine and 7-Hydroxymitragynine were listed as “Novel Psychoactive Drugs,” and then banned.
  • Florida – It is legal statewide, but banned in Sarasota County after being listed a “designer drug.” Two bills were brought forwards in 2017 to ban 7-Hydroxymitragynine and Mitragynine statewide, H0183 and S0424, but they did not pass.
  • Mississippi – Legal statewide, except for in Union County.
The Red States
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Friday, September 21, 2018

I Would Love You Anyway

I was 18 when I tried alcohol for the first time. And when I raced a state trooper on the thruway with my little sister in the car. I was also 18 (or 19) when I was arrested on felony charges.

I know that you think I'm going to be disappointed when you make mistakes because of where I am in life, but you're seeing me as I am right now, after 33 years of life to live. I've had 33 years to make mistakes, and I can assure you that I have. The only reason that you're seeing me the way I am now is because of the lessons I learned from those mistakes. You can read a lot about my life in my blog, but this post is specifically for you.

I was raised in a very financially secure, Christian household, and my parents spent a lot of money sending me to a private Christian school 30 minutes from our house. My dad owned his own successful business, and my mom was the homemaker. My grandparents were very prominent figures in our local Christian community with a lot of influence over a lot of people. They also owned a successful business. There was a lot of pressure to be perfect, and that pressure started first at home. My mom struggled with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (although she denies it now,) and put the pressure on my sister and I to be perfect, as well. Ha.

As soon as I graduated high school, I moved out of my mom's house (my parents had divorced by then,) and I moved in with my cousin. The pressure to be the perfect daughter flew out the window as I drove down the highway.

Back then, I had an online diary I kept to journal my life, as well as to share it with friends. I received an anonymous, nasty comment on my diary, and I was convinced it was my ex boyfriend. I went straight to the police, filed a report, and they conducted an investigation. It turned out that nobody in his home had even logged on to the internet (it was dial up back then, kids,) when the comment was posted, so the police arrested me for filing a false police report, a felony. My ex (we called him Bell Pepper because...well...they're tiny) filed a restraining order against me, as well. If you ever see my mugshot, yes, I'm the asshole grinning.

All of this to say, shit happens. We all screw up. We all hold ourselves to ridiculous standards, and then we all let ourselves down when we can't meet those unrealistic goals. I have done some CRAZY things in my life, but I was still able to make it to where I am right now in life, dressing up like a responsible adult. I'm in a great marriage, despite my self-sabotaging past. I went to college (for a little while, before I was booted for failing Statistics twice in a row.) I lived my high school dream of being a photographer. I'm living my lifelong dreams of being a writer, and a mom. Screwing up doesn't mean your future is worthless. (Holy shitballs, Batman, I should listen to my own advice!) EVERYBODY does stupid stuff, which is why politicians keep getting caught with their pants down. See? Even big, powerful politicians screw up, and look where they are!

You know, even if I came to you with no mistakes under my buckle, you making a mistake wouldn't make me love you any less. There will be times when I disappoint you, and there will be times when you disappoint me, but the love is always unconditional. We're family, kid, and there's just no getting rid of me. ;)

#YouAreWorthy

The Time My Boyfriend Was A School Shooter

I have graduated from being an obsessive TV watcher to an avid streamer, meaning I’d much rather watch YouTube videos or movies on demand than watch regular TV programming. I’m just selfish that way. In my YouTube journey today, I stumbled across a story about the Columbine shooting; I think it was the first real interview with Dylan Klebold’s mom, Klebold being one of the perpetrators of the Columbine shooting. She had a real understanding of where she was forced to stand, and I was very impressed with the emotional journey she must have gone on to get to that point. But anyway, she mentioned that there are now guidelines for assessing threats like this, and how many school shootings were stopped. Then they interviewed a man who was one of those stopped from killing people as a teenager, and how grateful he is that he was stopped. He is now a happily married father.

But nobody talked about my interactions with a potential school shooter. His plans were thwarted, but the school refused to call the police because, “We’re Christians, and we’re not that kind of people.” They WERE the kind of people, however, who allowed me to be publicly shamed when he stood in front of our class with some bullshit, half-assed apology, and he looked me right in the face when he said, “My TRUE friends know I would never do anything like that.” I was already suffering from physical symptoms of PTSD, and nobody in that school cared how I was. All they could talk about was “making sure he gets counseling, so he gets better.” What about ME?? WHY WEREN’T THEY CONCERNED WITH THE HEALING OF THE VICTIM??

I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. The incident triggered something in my head, and I was basically in a state of psychosis for months. I couldn’t see it at the time; I thought I was just being a “fun, crazy teenager!” But I was making really stupid, reckless decisions that would negatively affect me for a long, long time. I spiraled downwards so far, so quickly, that my family was stunned. Here was their sweet little girl, the girl who loved volunteering at nursing homes, who genuinely loved to help anyone in need, and she was going to bars by herself, getting into trouble, and getting arrested. It was a sharp 180-degree turn that happened in an instant. I was broken, and I couldn’t even tell.

Skip forward many years, and I can think about him and what happened without feeling the anger, the breath leaving my lungs, without my mind racing in fear. Until today. As I thought about my own experience, I wondered if he would do an interview with me. I wondered what we would say, I wondered if he would be angry and defensive, I wondered if he would apologize, I wondered how I would feel and react. I wondered if I Skyped with him, would I be able to feel that deep, black energy I felt on that day in high school? Had he truly changed? Would I be able to feel the change in his energy? The thought of speaking with him, however, threw me into a PTSD attack like I haven’t had in 15 years. I thought I was healed, but I’m not; I’ve just been burying my head in the sand, and pretending it never happened. I think what terrifies me the most about it all is NOT feeling that change within him, and being face to face with the same thing that destroyed me.



He was my ex-boyfriend. He took me to our Jr/Sr Banquet our junior year of high school, and that’s pretty much how the relationship started. He was so very sweet to me, and would write beautiful poems about how he was feeling. While we were together, however, he was really struggling with depression. I would spend hours on the phone with him after school, desperately trying to talk him out of committing suicide. There was a period in there where I think it was every day, or a few times a week, at least. I started to get sick of his constant need of reassurance because it wasn’t just reassurance he needed, he needed someone to argue with him every single day, and it was draining the life out of me. Most of what happened next remains a blur to me, as does most of my senior year. It was emotionally traumatizing, and my brain has blocked out quite a bit. I know that rather than making the decent, human decision, I decided to pursue something with someone else I had met recently, and the new guy ended up being my first kiss. I cheated on him. It broke him. I can remember looking at him after the breakup, and seeing a fractured version of the person I knew. I felt so guilty. It ate at my heart, and I tried to “make it better” with him, but that was impossible. I’d taken care of that relationship all on my own.

One morning in January 2002, my best friend came into school as usual, and she rushed over to chit chat, like we always did. She told me that my ex had been talking about doing a school shooting, and that he had written down a map of what he wanted to happen. There were several scenarios told by several different people because he hadn’t kept his thoughts private. Enough people heard, reported it, and then told me about it. One scenario was that he was going to kill me, and then kill himself. Another scenario was he wanted to torture a couple of other students, and possibly kill them, as well. He wanted me there to watch, regardless of which plan he chose. He also wanted to torture and kill other students in front of me, give me his college money, and then kill himself. I walked past him in the hallway after he’d been spoken to by the principal, and his eyes were completely black. He looked at me with pure hatred in his eyes, and it was terrifying.

He denied that I was a part of any of his plans to school authorities. I had heard it from more than one person, though, and the people weren’t even friends with each other. I’d be interested to hear what he told them back then, and then what happened to him afterwards. But I’m also afraid to hear his version of the events, as re-living my own version is painful enough.

I can remember sitting down with my grandparents to discuss my anger. I said something like, “I don’t want him to get help.” My grandma paused, and then asked, “Don’t you want him to get better?”  “No.”  “….why?”  “Because he doesn’t deserve to get better.”

Now, as someone who understands the mental health issues I struggle with, and how hard it is to come out of dark periods in your life, I can’t imagine ever feeling that way about someone. I would never wish a lifetime of suicidal depression and debilitating anxiety on anyone. But back then, I felt it deep in my soul that I didn’t want him to get better. I wanted him to just be called a bad person, locked up, humiliated and hurt publicly like he had done to me.

In theory, keeping the incident private was advantageous to him; it was never put on his record, meaning he could walk away from everything, forget it, and nobody would know the wiser. Shortly after graduation, he enlisted in the military. Considering there's a screening process to be accepted into the United States military, I'm willing to bet they would have liked to know his past mental health issues, which include real threats of terrorism in a high school.

I hope he’s ok now. I really do. We both did some serious damage to each other, and we just left it that way, as if it would go away on its own. I don’t know if he ever thinks about what happened back then, but I do on occasion. I try to remember things about my senior year that I haven’t been able to, and it always reminds me why I’m not able to do that. I lost my very best friend in the world because of the downward spiral it had thrown me on, too. It was like I had done a complete turnaround personality-wise, and started doing stupid, selfish things. I say all of that because I can’t remember the argument that took our friendship down. I can’t remember anything fun we did that year. I have a few little random memories throughout that school year, but most of the important stuff is gone.

I didn’t think I’d ever share this story publicly, as I don’t want to hurt him all over again. But, this is MY story, therefore, I have the right to tell it. I can already feel a weight being lifted off of my soul with this little purge of emotion.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

White Trash Christmas And #WhyIStayed

I'm sure you all remember the Ray Rice scandal and the twitter phenoma that came afterwards of the #WhyIStayed; it wasn't that long ago. I considered posting, but I felt like SUCH a hypocrite. When the news was breaking about the beatings and the abuse, I wondered aloud, "Why doesn't she just leave??"

Why didn't I just leave?

Today, I came across a picture on Facebook of someone I know who attended a White Trash Christmas Party. To go with the theme, she dressed as a pregnant woman with a black eye, a beer and a cigarette. I have a hard time justifying dressing as whatever you think is "white trash," but what really struck me (no pun intended) was the black eye. Was this supposed to be funny? A woman who gets beaten is supposed to be taken as a joke?

I called her out on it in as nice of a way as I could (I've been known to have diarrhea of the mouth), and her only response was, "It was a joke." I blinked at the screen a few times as my mind tried to fully grasp what was happening in front of me. This person that I had known for literally my entire life was perpetuating this stigma that domestic violence is something that is to be taken lightly.

I only commented a couple more times before deleting her from my page; I didn't feel like arguing and I didn't see that I would ever get my point across. I was heartbroken, however. I won't reveal the identity of this person or any details that would give any clues of who she is, but it really just broke my heart. As I wrote my last comment before deleting her, I had tears streaming down my face. Is everyone who has been the victim of domestic violence considered trash? If that's the case, I'm a piece of trash and that's what she thinks of me.

Remember when people dressed up as Ray Rice and his wife for Halloween? They got a lot of flack for it and for good reason. What I was trying to explain was that there was no difference here; the only difference is skin color and is that really even a difference in this situation? Abuse is abuse. Forget the beer and the cigarette; I've seen irresponsible mothers choose those things. To equate those choices to that of someone being abused is just...not ok. They are not the same thing. It's like dressing up as a rape victim; did they choose to be raped? No. Is it funny that you're dressing up as someone who has been sexually assaulted? No.

The whole thing was offensive just from a human standpoint, but it was especially offensive to me because I come from a home with domestic violence. The thing that people don't seem to understand about abusers is that they're master manipulators. They have this way to make you think that they're like gods. Whenever I would threaten to leave my ex, he would tell me that he would destroy my life and destroy the lives of my family. He told me I would never see my son again (our second child together was not born until after I left). He told me that nobody would ever put up with everything that I made him put up with and that I was lucky to have him. He told me that I was the reason he was so angry, and if I would just stop doing things to make him angry, we would have the perfect life. And I believed him. It was easier for me to stay and endure the abuse than to involve my family and never see my son again. If you believed, and I mean truly believed, that someone had the power to put you on the streets and keep your child from you, would you not do whatever it took to keep that from happening?

Most of the abuse was verbal and emotional. I always said that if he ever hit me, I would leave. I secretly wished he would hit me so I would "have a reason" to leave. But that's not true. I would have stayed. And I did stay. He "accidentally" gave me a fat lip. He "accidentally" almost broke my nose. He "accidentally" flicked his cigarette at me. He didn't mean it! He always seemed to misjudge the distance between us at the most inopportune times. I didn't see it then; I always thought it truly was accidental. Now I'm looking back and I'm incredulous; how did I not see it before?? For someone who can flick their cigarette in someone's face with almost 100% accuracy (saw him do that more than once), suddenly this time was an accident? He was like the scummy used car salesman in our relationship; every single time he sold me this crappy, rundown, rusty relationship that only sputtered when you tried to start the engine. "The best relationship ever!" "Runs like new!" "100% money back guarantee!" I always bought his lines. Always. (The irony is that he actually ended up being a used car salesman. Don't ever buy a car from my ex. ;) )

When my ex found me, I was a damaged person. I didn't know who I was and I didn't know my worth. I was the perfect target for manipulation and he saw it and grabbed onto it. That's what happens with domestic violence cases; the women come into these relationships desperate for love and acceptance and the abuser takes complete advantage of their vulnerability. It's not the woman's fault; when you live with someone who consistently drills into your head how worthless you are when you're already thinking the same thing yourself, you're bound to believe it. You're bound to think, "This is the best I can get. Look at what a waste of a human I am."

So does that make the woman trashy? It's easy to look from an outsider's point of view and think that it only happens to poor people who are uneducated. You think of someone in a dirty trailer with a dirty, dirtbag husband or boyfriend. What you're missing is that abuse happens to affluent people, as well. I grew up in an affluent home; I grew up with privilege. I was abused. I was emotionally, physically and sexually abused. I lived through it, I survived it and I've built myself to be a better person in spite of it. And I don't appreciate being labelled as trash because of it.