Just Keep Swimming

The motto of a 13 year old who fought cancer for 6 years before finally being given her angel wings:

"Just keep swimming."

I honestly don't remember how I stumbled across Talia Castellano, but it was because she was a kid, doing amazing makeup tutorials, with her cute little bald head out. "Makeup is my wig," she said.

Needless to say, I instantly fell in love with her and began following her journey to fame and through the trials childhood cancer. Her attitude amazed and inspired me, as did her positive outlook and constant smile. How do you not love a smile like this??

I have cried a lot of tears today over the world's loss of such a beautiful, old soul. This post isn't meant to be about her, but I really felt the need to share this beautiful face with my followers, since she had such an impact on my life and the lives of everyone who loved her, even those of us who never had the chance to meet her.

You can check out her official facebook page here.

Anyway, I've been in such a funk lately. I don't know why or what brought it on. I don't know how to fix it, either. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed every morning, but not because I'm pregnant. I just don't want to deal with life. With any part of it. Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's my chronic depression rearing it's stupid head because I'm unable to take my medication...who knows, really. But the death of someone like Talia can really make you take a look at yourself and reevaluate your life. Why would someone like me be spared and someone like Talia be taken?

"Greatness lies on the edge of destruction. In the face of destruction, you pounded on your chest and put your arms up and said, 'I'm still standing! Bring it!'" -Will Smith

I was first diagnosed with cancer in 2007. I continued to work while I went through treatment, and when I wasn't involved in one of those, I spent a lot of time in bed. I was sick, I was depressed, and I was withdrawing from my family. I drove my mother crazy because I wouldn't let her go to any of my doctor appointments. I did it the second time around, too. When I look back back now, I guess that if I was going to be given a death sentence, I didn't want the burden of my family grieving with me. If I kept them in the dark and only allowed them to know what I told them, I could deal with everything on my own; I could deal with my own emotions without having to deal with the emotions of those who loved me. It was very selfish and I regret it now. But I was on auto-pilot and honestly didn't know I was doing it until it was too late.

I went through treatment, recovered and then was diagnosed with a different kind of cancer in 2009. My outlook was different this time, though. My son's father and I had broken up and I was living on my own. I still shut my family out a lot of the time, but I felt differently emotionally. I felt like I could really do this. There were days where I couldn't get out of bed, but there were also days where I could and would get up and go to work. Or days where I could get out of bed and go to the park, go shopping, spend time with friends.

But, let's be real here: I was a pain in the ass. A giant one. I wasn't a happy, smiling-all-the-time, bubbly, upbeat personality. I smiled and laughed, but it was usually because I was laughing at some sarcastic comment I or my best friend had made. I was selfish and chose to keep the people closest to me in the dark most of the time and refused any help they offered. It was how I coped and I did the best I could, yes, but I was a pain in the ass! So why was someone with such a positive personality, someone so loving and caring, taken away from the people she loved so early when someone such as myself was spared? Twice! It's something I ask myself constantly when I see such good forces die. It's incomprehensible to me.

I've been telling myself that it's because my work here isn't done. Then I laugh and laugh, because there are some people who have crossed me who really wish the opposite was true. Then I feel happy again because I know they're stuck with me and I know it drives them crazy. You see what I mean?? I can be so cynical, yet it makes me happy.

"Only the good die young." This is clearly true. I'll be here forever, guys. Enjoy. ;)

But I digress. I didn't want this post to be about my cancer, either.

What did I want this to be about?? I don't know. I started writing it yesterday and then got sidetracked (aka I didn't feel like opening up), so this feels very disjointed to me. Maybe I'll get my shit together, figure out what I wanted and write a new one.

In the meantime, let me know what you want to see more of on my blog. I'm still trying to get my footing in this whole blogging business, and I'm not sure where I want to go. I still like to let you guys know about freebies and good deals, but I really don't want that to be niche. What do yall think? Lemme know!