1. So. Much. Pee.
a) You WILL get peed on. More than once. You'll open the diaper, get him all spiffed up and ready for a new diaper, and right when you put the new diaper under his cute little tush, he'll be peeing. Or you'll forget to grab the cream or the powder or even the diaper, and all you'll have to do is look away for a millisecond. Or you'll get him all stripped down for a bath and he'll wait until he has perfect aim to let 'er go.
b) He will also pee in the bath. Like. Every time. At least for a while. And it's ok to not drain the tub every time and start over, I don't care what the other moms say. Listen, when you've been up 32 times in the night and you're just thankful you have the energy to bathe the pee monger at all, it's a small blip on the radar. It's sterile anyways, right?
c) As soon as the air hits his diaper-free schlong, he'll pee. I think that basically covers everything.
2. Babies get boners, too. I suppose the reason no one warns you about this is because...well, I can't really see my mother or grandmother casually bringing it up in any conversation. If either one of them ever mentioned an erection in any form, I would wonder what demon had possessed them. But there really is nothing like opening a diaper to have that looking you straight in the face. In case you're not familiar with the terminology, they're referred to as "pee boners." I've never closed a diaper faster than when I've encountered those. You've been warned.
3. He will notice his urine-related erections and engage you in conversations about them. This will happen long before you think it will. My middle guy was still in diapers when he noticed his. "It's too big!" My oldest's thing was, "Why is it so big?" So. Have fun with that convo.
4. Does anyone else's boys somehow hold their farts in and wait until you're changing them to let it loose? You have his butt in the air, switching diapers or something, and you don't even hear it, you just feel the breeze on your face? No? .........
5. They always get dirty somehow, no matter where you've been. Sometimes, just wiping them down with baby wipes is a good temporary fix. It's not something that is really talked about, but I've found that it's an acceptable practice. Boys just never. stop. moving. Which means you never. stop. chasing. When you're coming home from a long day at the grandparents' house, a trip to the playground, a day at the park, etc, and you're just so damn exhausted from trying to keep up with all that energy that you simply don't have it in you to give him the bath that he desperately needs...baby wipes to the arms, hands, legs, face, all parts that were not protected by clothing, etc. Voila! He's clean(-ish) enough to go to bed so you can sit down! I figured out this fun trick while I was pregnant with my third. Because. Pregnancy.
6. Boys could genuinely care less how dirty their butts are. It doesn't bother them one tiny bit to sit in a diaper full of rotting, stinky poop. I had a terrible head cold one Spring while I was with my dad. He sniffed the air, gave me a strange look. "Did he poop?" he asked me. "I don't know. Did he?" I shrugged. I'm glad he was there to do the butt sniff check because my son was just happily playing like he wasn't working on a diaper rash and my nose was so plugged that I couldn't smell a damn thing. Maybe they enjoy it. Boys are obsessed with dirt, boogers, their wieners and poop, so perhaps it really starts at birth.
7. Wiener conversation is a common, every day happening. Be prepared to talk about it at least 7 times a day. When they're not touching it (which is constantly, which requires the "STOP TOUCHING YOUR WIENER IN PUBLIC" scold), they're telling you about their wiener's adventures of the day or yanking their pants down to show it to you, just in case you've forgotten what an amazing appendage it is.
8. And lastly, on a more serious note, little boys love their mothers with a fierceness you wouldn't dream possible. There's this sort of stigma that because dads do all of those boy things with them that they have a stronger bond, but that's just not true. They just have a different type of bond. Boys are loving and very loyal; to them, you're the queen. You care for them, kiss their boo-boos, snuggle them and give them a kind of love that only you can because you're mom. It's a very special thing to experience.
So for those moms with boys...would you add anything to this list? What did I miss?
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