Who Told You Life Wasn't Worth The Fight?

We celebrated S's birthday today. We should be joking about how old he's getting over a couple of beers. We should be sitting in the living room, surrounded by food, laughing and telling stories. We should be watching his son blow out his birthday candles for him. We should be with him. But we're not. Instead, we're sending his birthday balloons up to him in heaven. (Click here to read his story.)

I was so sad as the day started. I just miss him so much and it makes me so sad that my children are growing up without having such a wonderful person in their lives. It makes me sad that I've never met his son. It makes me sad that our children should be playing together, but they're not. I cried a couple of times throughout the day and fully expected to be a hormonal wreck for the remainder of the day.

This was the first year that the toddler could really participate and know what was going on to some extent, and his pure, unadulterated joy at buying balloons and watching them being filled with helium was a great jump start to our ritual. His innocence and the pure excitement that shone on his face had me bubbling with laughter.

Then we had to get the balloons into the car without losing them to the wind. I had my oldest get in first and then I started shoving balloons into the backseat. Once they were in my car, I secured the toddler into his seat and told my oldest he could try and push the balloons into the far back if he wanted. (I drive an SUV.) He started fighting them; pushing them, shoving them, punching them to get into the back, and they bounced around in his face and in the toddler's face in protest. The toddler could not stop laughing at the sight and it helped bring the joy we experienced from inside the store to inside the vehicle.

It was soooo windy today. So windy. And so cold. We were actually under a wind advisory. But the funny thing is, every year that we've done this, we've had ridiculous wind. I'm not sure what that means, but I noticed that today and so did my oldest. We got up to the cemetery, to our favorite spot, and got out. The wind was absolutely piercing because we were up on top of one of the tallest, if not the tallest, hills in the city. I cut a balloon free from the bunch and handed them to the oldest, telling him where to stand and when to let go of the balloon so I could take pictures. He's always very cooperative with my photography. :) We kept running back to the car, cutting balloons loose and then fighting the wind to get what we wanted. We were also fighting the toddler to get him to cooperate, which was completely impossible. But it didn't bother either one of us. We had so much fun doing all of this that we found ourselves laughing most of the time. By the time we got into the car to leave, I realized that I hadn't even remembered to put on the CD that I listen to when I'm missing S. I felt my heart swell with warmth and happiness and I smiled; I knew that this is exactly what he would have wanted. He wouldn't want us to be sad. He would want us to be happy and have fun. He would have loved the ridiculous chaos that we brought to his birthday celebration and that made me feel content. He loved my oldest and I know he would have loved my toddler (and my newest baby! But I left him with his aunt for the afternoon). And he just would have loved the fun and laughter we had while celebrating him and his life.

Some of my favorite pictures from the day (and these are only a few! I took a bunch and love them all):

I heard this song for the first time a couple of weeks ago while I was doing dishes and it reminded me of S. It reminded me of him and made me cry. There's a song that I consider to be his and always listen to that on days such as this, but I want to post this song instead.

Here are the lyrics:

You must have been in a
Place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through
That stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd

[Chorus]
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking a troubled soul, 
God only knows what went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the
Winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun

[Chorus]
Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've
Said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were
Masking a troubled soul, 
God only knows what went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that
Bad of a place

Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to
Judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one
Burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry
'Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song