Here's Where You Can Check Yourself

Two of my 3 children belong to the narcissistic abuser I was with before Zebra Print Fiancee. I have considered myself lucky up until this point because he really wanted little to nothing to do with our youngest, so there was no co-parenting involved. I won't even really get into the full details, as they're unimportant here and actually make no sense at all, but even though he wants nothing to do with the toddler, he wants everything to do with our oldest. That has been the most difficult, but even then it's always been pretty easy because he's always been fairly easy to work with as far as visitation and so forth.

Sometime within the last year to 2 years, he finally found someone willing to be in a relationship with him. I knew he had a girlfriend, but he kept her identity a strict secret for a long time. In fact, I ended up finding out who she was on accident. When this little morsel of information was thrown at me, certain pieces all of a sudden started making sense. I have a history with this female in particular and my ex requesting to keep our oldest son with during Thanksgiving and Christmas (even though he's Muslim and celebrates neither) now had a real "justification." This justification is the reason I'm writing this particular blog entry.

There is a huge gray area when a couple with children split and then begin dating other people. It's unfortunate, but it's true. Many couples are able to handle things amicably and responsibly, but an even larger portion of couples are not. So in response to this, here's an open letter to my ex's current girlfriend and any other ones to follow her:

I am not your enemy. Don't view me as his ex girlfriend. While that may partially be what I am, that's not how you need to view me. I am my sons' mother. I'm not in your boyfriend's life because I want to be. I'm not in his life because I want to be in your place. I'm not in his life to make you feel threatened. I'm in his life because we have children together and I have to be.

With all of this in mind, remember your place. Remember that your place in his life is to be his girlfriend, not the new mother of his children. You have no say in how they are raised, how often they see either of their parents or what takes place in their lives. Should there ever come a time when your boyfriend becomes more delusional than he already is and wants you to have more of a say in such things, remember that you have absolutely none and you never will.

If I could have nothing to do with your boyfriend, I would. I would like you to keep this mind. Rather than viewing me as someone who is trying to get involved in your relationship in any way, you need to view me as what I am: my children's mom. Everything I do is for my children's best interest, regardless of whether or not you like it. One day, if you're super unlucky and super stupid, you may become their stepmom. But that will never negate what I am.

I am not the person that my ex has portrayed me to be. Unfortunately, you're only getting one side of the story and that side is actually skewed and full of lies. You may be wondering how I know this. I know this because I've known this man for over 10 years; I'm more than familiar with his personality, how he acts, how he THINKS and how he manipulates. I know that he is a very skilled liar and uses it to his advantage every single day. You may think you know him, but you don't. It took me years to actually realize what he was and how he had filled my life and my heart with lies. Because of this, I know he does it to you, too. Not only that, but I know how much he lied to me about you. You'd be appalled at the things he said about you. I, on the other hand, would not be surprised at all by the things he's probably said to you. I know all of his tricks and I know how convincing he can be. There's a reason he's such an excellent used car salesman.

The bottom line is this: I am not your enemy unless you want me to be. All I want is to continue to be what I already am: my sons' mother.